I've been finding it really tough to keep to my regime these days.
Thinspro isn't working much anymore and I find myself making excuses to ditch the disorder. But i know that deep inside I don't want to. I know i can lose weight very fast if i put my mind to it, but i have so much else going on that when i feel hungry i just eat, and worse, i eat whatever i feel like eating at that moment.
Part of me is really satisfied. I look forward to being able to let myself eat at a meal time or whatever, but for a split second before, i know that i shouldn't.
It's confusing me, im not sure what my body wants me to do. Or rather, what i want to do.
I want my bones back, i want to be tiny again! But ive got a few comments from people saying how good i look- and i know they mean now that ive gained weight, they're just to 'polite' to say it.
Whats worse is i complained absent mindedly to my mum about it and she said 'But do you feel better with how you look now?' that was confirmation that i have gained and that i dont have the edge of being super skinny anymore.
Whilst i'm not 'fat', im fatter than i was, which is suppose wouldn't be difficult.
But im not happy with how i look, but i cant stand that wrenching feeling i get when i dont eat. All i ever think about is ohmygod how many calories are there in this? how can i avoid having to eat?
And when you're studying for A levels with a busy schedule, the last thing you have time for is that. And you feel the NEED to eat to keep awake and physically able.
I really need some motivation right now, im scared that I'll let myself go too much and turn mia again. And whilst im pro-ana and ex-mia, im no longer in support of mia.
Help please =[